When Signs and Symptoms became Apparent (pt.4)

Assalamu Alaikum dear readers,

I know it has been a long time since I have posted and for that I apologise. I went through a difficult journey of my own, including a few complications (some of which, I will discuss here as I continue my story). I also needed to focus on my own healing wholly and at times, reliving the pains of my affliction bought back too many painful feelings. Regardless,  I am ready to finish off what I left off. Maybe after all this time, I have matured enough to present my ideas better as well feeling stronger and more clear-headed.

After allowing myself to cry over my newfound situation, I placed the mango on the table and raised my hands in supplication.’ Ya Allah, You know best what is happening to me and my family. Please, please help us through this difficult time and please make it easy for us to see what is happening to us and how to fight this.’ I was glad that I turned to Allah in dua rather than complaining to people or feeling sorry for myself. But it wasn’t because I was extremely pious but more so because I felt completely helpless and who else can we turn to when all doors seem closed? Also this was not something we could easily talk about to close friends and family anyway. I already felt a twinge of shame of my situation.

Downstairs, I saw my sister sitting quietly in the living room, staring vacantly at her fingers. We decided to tell our younger sisters what happened at the Ruqya session and naturally they were very shocked. They didn’t really understand what consequences this affliction held. Nor did we. Our knowledge of Jinn possession and Sihr only extended to a few videos that we had watched and a few stories that we knew.

So, where do we go from here?

The Raaqi in London had told us to recite Quranic ayaat from a booklet that we had and to drink a spoonful of Sidr Honey every morning (that ended up costing £100!).Honey is known for its medicinal purposes.

The Prophet Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam said: Honey is a remedy for every illness and the Quran is a remedy for all illness of the mind, therefore I recommend to you both remedies, the Quran and honey’ Bukhari.

 

Doing this seemed simple enough. I looked over at my sister and she was visibly upset. I asked what was bothering her and she laughed sadly.

‘I thought..having one Ruqya session would have been enough to cure me. I thought I could finally get my Imaan back and all these horrible feelings would go away. I was so mistaken..’

I empathized with her huge disappointment but I also felt hopeful that getting better wouldn’t take long, in sha Allah. We let things settle and for the next few days continued as normal. We recited a portion of the Quran everyday and made Ruqya water which we drank. Straight away we would burp loudly, our stomachs would inflate and churn. From what I had read on the Internet, this indicated that the magic was ingested. How it was ingested we did not know. I didn’t even understand what this ‘magic’ looked like. Was it a potion created by the Magician and put in our food? Do Magicians really exist in England? And again, is this really happening to us? But Allah Knows best. My sister’s arm would still move up and down by itself- as if it was in pain. Likewise, my arm would move of its own accord and I will say this honestly- each time, it broke my heart a bit more. It was a stark reminder that we really were facing matters of the unseen and we couldn’t explain it away with the possibility of it being a random one-off reaction or with a medical explanation. After all, why did my arm only move when the Quran was being recited? Why did my arm burn when I place the Quran on my arm? Why would our hearts race in anxiety before a Ruqya session? But still, at this time, we were in partial denial. We were far too comfortable with our lives that previously held no worries, full of easy going laughter, fun and ease. But surely the Promise of Allah is always fulfilled.

‘Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tested? But We have surely tested those before them. And Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars’ Surah Al-Ankabut (29)

I am dreaming. I am running between rooms, panting and gasping. I find myself outside. Suddenly I see a man plunging my Mother’s head under a river. I see her struggling frantically beneath the water, to release herself and seeing this, I am screaming and shouting. I run back to the house shouting at my sisters that this man is trying to kill Mum, that he is drowning her. Suddenly a huge page out of the Quran falls from above, from where I don’t know. I say ‘We must do Ruqya with this! We need to save Mum with this!’. We then pour golden water onto this page-and I wake up breathing heavily.

I sit up in my bed and calm myself down. This was not a bad dream but it felt like a sign from Allah. I knew clearly what Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala was telling me. I already knew my Mother was suffering Magic but this truly confirmed it. I also recognized the face of the evil perpetrator…a family member no less. One who was already despised by my sisters and I. SubhanAllah how evil can a person be!

In the morning I told my sister of what I saw and she also agreed that we should get my Mother to drink Ruqya water. So from then on I would hidely recite onto water and give this my Mother to drink in the mornings. But mainly I focused on myself and my sister. My sister was still withdrawn and dejected; her eyes were still glassy and empty. No matter how much Ruqya we were doing daily, we still saw no improvement. Not one bit. When would this end? Why wasn’t the Quran burning the Magic already? Round and round our questions swirled because situations like this truly make you sit up and question everything. Did this happen because of my sins? Am I a bad Muslim? Is Allah punishing me? Will I die from this? Where has my Imaan gone? How will I face people like this?

A week later, we received the good news that the Raaqi from London would be doing Ruqya sessions in a nearby city. Alhamdulillah! We felt that we reacted more with the Raaqi so surely it was more effective than attempting Ruqya ourselves right? My sister quickly booked an appointment for the following week and after a long time we smiled. We were hopeful of a cure now- surely after a few more sessions this would all go away.

The impending Ruqya session came closer and we got our car ready for the one hour journey. On the specified day we drove in silence, both of us nervous and anxious. In fact,the closer we got the more sick I felt. I held the seat belt away from me, feelings its tight hold. Upon arrival we noticed the Raaqi was based in a house again; we knocked and waited. A brother opened the door and we were led to a room that had been set up with large speakers and a mike. The Raaqi sat at the far end and he greeted us with Salaam and inquired how our health and symptoms were now. We told him of our daily Ruqya and how our symptoms were the same regardless of this. He nodded as this was a common thing and then instructed us to seat ourselves and that he would start reciting. I liked our he was to the point, not wanting to waste time.

‘Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Raheem. Alhamdullilahi-Rabbil-Aalameen…’

As the Ruqya session continued, my sister’s arms and legs started writhing violently while I felt my own breathing getting heavy-fast-enclosed. I felt a claw squeezing my heart, making it difficult for me to breathe. I looked over at the Ruqya in pain but he nodded and continued reciting. Gradually I felt a surge of anger erupt inside of me and I almost wanted to growl in rage. What was happening to me? In parallel to this, I also felt confused and disgusted at the anger that I felt towards the recitation of the Quran. But it seemed out of control. I seemed out of control. With this, silent tears ran down my face. I looked over at my sister and felt even further pain because she seemed to be in more distress than me.

After the Ruqya session ended, the Raaqi asked us how we felt and what symptoms we were experiencing. They included: jerky movements, twitching of the face and fingers, pins and needles, heavy breathing, feelings of anger and rage, the urge to wail and cry and feelings of…’being taken over’. The Raaqi explained that these were common symptoms of magic and jinn possession and that we should continue with the Ruqya. He also booked us in for another session in a few days time as we were eager to get this over and done with. I almost laugh at our naivety at the time knowing now that this was purely the beginning of this affliction. A few pins and needles was just the tip of an iceberg.

With heavy hearts and painful limbs, we left the house and began our journey home. I felt extremely sad and disheartened as we still didn’t really know what we were dealing with and more importantly how long it would take to get rid of this problem. Still, we had another Ruqya appointment…who knows what the next session would bring.

 

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The End of a Season.

After the realization that all of this turmoil could be related to Magic, I ran to my sister and told her what I thought. And she like me, disagreed at first. It just seemed too impossible. Too barbaric and backwards. Too distant. But didn’t the Diaries of the Exorcist videos describe cases that were happening right now in the UK? Eventually, my Sister could see the possibility that she was afflicted with Magic. It was a hard pill to swallow but atleast we could try to resolve it, in sha Allah. So we used the Ruqyah Audio CD and a Ruqyah booklet that we originally got for our Mother to begin the ruqyah process. It was almost ironic that the very material we bought for the remedy of someone else, we ended up using it for ourselves. And that is the way of life. You never know what trial can befall you so we should always be prepared.

My Sister would listen to the audio alone and I would then recite from the booklet- it contained many ayahs from different Surahs. I learnt that these were the Ayaat of Ruqyah that affect the Jinn the most. We tried this for a few months and nothing significant really happened. Apart from some burping and slight pins and needles. From our naive preconceptions, we were expecting ghoulish Jinns to start screaming and shouting from the beginning. For lights to suddenly start switching off and for doors to slam shut. Like we had seen in Ruqyah videos or old horror movies. It’s shocking how ignorant we were on this subject. Yet, Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala Specifically Gave us this specific test, why? Because, perhaps it was time for us to learn.

You will notice that patients don’t usually react significantly at the beginning. As the Jinns usually be dormant and hidden. They are healthy and have their ‘strength’. They try their best not to ‘surface’ because then the reality of Magic is exposed and then it’s easier to get rid of it. They want you to think that you have gone crazy. They want you to think that it’s a medical illness. They want you to think anything as long as you don’t figure out that it’s Magic. Sihr. Afflicted upon on you by an evil human Shaytaan, a Saahir. Magicians are disgusting lowly creatures who don’t wish to be exposed nor do they wish for their victims to realise their evil handiwork. They hide behind an innocent mask and secretly make the Magic to harm you A’uthoo Billah. Even the Magicians themselves know that they are committing a heinous crime, acts of kuffar and disgusting rituals to please the Shaytaan. Such as bathing in feces and urine for days, sacrificing chicken and lathering their face in the blood or defacing the Qur’an in the worst ways, A’uthoo Billah. It is both sickening and frightening that humans can stoop to such a level. It makes you wonder what level can individuals stoop to, to get a portion of this Dunya. Even the Shaytaan himself will tell the Magician that this is clear Kufr that he is entering, because the he wishes for the Magician to completely enter the state of disbelief- it is most pleasing to these devils.

After voicing our frustrations to a close friend that we haven’t noticed any real reactions, she suggested getting Hijama (Cupping) done as this was known to help patients of Magic. Hijama as many of you will know, is very well known in the Sunnah in helping health conditions and more importantly, Magic problems. The Prophet, sallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, “The best treatment you have is cupping.” (Muslim). The Shayateen detest Hijama because this process draws blood through the thin superficial cuts on the skin. Almost opening a doorway for dirt, toxins and Jinns to leave. And Jinns don’t want to leave. From previous stories, we had heard that Jinns easily surface in Hijama sessions so we were very hopeful that finally we would see a reaction to definitely pinpoint my Sister’s behaviour with Magic.

As the day of the Hijama approached, I was feeling but nervous and excited. Would the Jinn scream and give in? Would it leave through the blood? Was it possible for my Sister to be cured in a few hours? As I had said before, we were very ignorant about this topic. Little did we know that we were still at the very beginning of this journey, that seeking the cure takes a long time…that we had a lot to learn, yet.

Suddenly my Sister burst into my room as if she had seen a ghost. Or perhaps she had glanced at her own empty reflection and realized how ghostlike she looked now? She looked at me and told me that she wasn’t Muslim anymore and that she was doomed to enter the Hellfire. I tried to calm her down and reassure her that these were irrational feelings, that soon she would get better in sha Allah. I hoped she couldn’t hear the panic in my voice. A huge part of me felt out of my depth. This was just too much of what I didn’t know. I put my hopes in this Hijama session. We drove there in silence, both in our own world of thoughts and worries.

As the Hijama specialist began the cupping procedure, she put Surah Baqara on. I tensed up thinking something is about to surface right now but-
Nothing happened. My Sister was as motionless and silent as ever. She did not react in anyway nor did she even flinch when the small incisions were being made. We went home feeling deflated and frustration. I just wanted a clear confirmation that this was Sihr.

We continued doing our small sessions of self Ruqya- around thirty minutes everyday for the next few months. I admit we did this half heartedly and sometimes in quite a rush. Like I said…we weren’t so knowledgeable on this matter nor did we even know for definite that it was Sihr. Another friend then suggested reciting Surah Yaseen repeatedly as this was a powerful Surah and to spittle into a bowl of water and feed this to my Sister. I started reciting and there didn’t seem to be any reaction. But one hour into the recitation my Sister suddenly started hyperventilating. My heart raced because I thought ‘This is it’, that something is surfacing. I myself was petrified. Like most people I had the preconception of Jinns being scary, powerful and harmful. I continued reciting (even though my voice was shaking) and suddenly my Sister’s right arm started moving up and down by itself. By itself. You can imagine how we were feeling since this was the first experience of the unseen. I actually thought of running from the room.

Alhamdulilaah, I regained my composure and continued reciting. After a couple of hours, I dry spat into some water and made her drink it. She let out a very loud gassy burp that sounded like a gas pipe bursting. I also drank some and burped a little. But I didn’t take much notice of this. I was either in denial or just too scared to admit something that I already knew.

Feeling pleased that we had finally witnessed a physical reaction, we decided to continue reciting to see if the Jinn would die. Yes, we thought the Jinn was going to die any minute now. We thought it was that easy. SubhanAllah. I managed to recite for six hours with breaks in between. And her arm continued to move and shake as if it was in torture, getting more violent by the hour. I would sometimes face myself towards her arm and shout at the Jinn to leave. It almost sounds comical. My Sister also felt very sick and almost vomited. Ah so here was the indication that the Magic had been fed.

Now that we knew for certain that it was Sihr, we began searching for a Raaqi- someone who is trained and experienced in ridding Jinn and Sihr by the Will of Allah. We found one in London who was well known and was said to follow the Qur’an and Sunnah so we decided to book an appointment. We weren’t sure of what to expect but we thought that patients are cured in one session. My Sister was overjoyed and hopeful of returning back to normal. I planned to accompany her for moral support and to also get myself checked out. I mean why not since I will be there? I was sure nothing significant would be found in myself anyway.

We travelled to London with a group of friends and anxiously sat in the waiting room. Well actually it was in someone’s living room in a run down flat. We were actually expecting a hospital type clinic. Anyways we were called into another room and told to sat down to prepare ourselves for the session. The Raaqi entered and asked us what our symptoms were. After giving a quick overview, he began to recite Qur’an. Like before, my Sister’s arm began violently moving up and down. I had seen this before so I wasn’t scared anymore. After some time nothing really happened. Was this really it? When would the Jinn surface? How would it sound? How would the Raaqi get it out. What-

-Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation. A mixed feeling of anger and rage building inside of me…my breathing became heavy and I was gasping. Noticing this, the Raaqi got me to sit more close so he could recite near my ear. I suddenly could not stand the sound of the Qur’an recitation. I felt like I hated it! SubhanAllah what was happening? Before I could even take this in…my own arm starting moving up and down. I will admit this openly- I cried like a baby, in fear and panic. Only those afflicted will know what it is like to feel another being ‘possess’ your limbs for the first time. It is truly a memory that you don’t forget. It is as if your limbs move without your permission. Like an invisible force is moving it. The Raaqi continued reciting and both me and my Sister were distressed and our arms were violently moving now. Part of me was in a state of shock. How could I have Magic? How?

‘Eurghghhbhhhhggggh’

I suddenly had a great urge to vomit, it was so urgent and violent that more tears stung my eyes. I retched into a nearby bin and it was if my insides were coming out. This was no ordinary type of ‘feeling sick’. There wasn’t much vomit that came out but I had the feeling of… ‘something wanting to come out from deep within my stomach’.  I had never felt this before. And I did not want to even face what this meant..

The Raaqi stopped reciting after an hour and told us all to rest. He then diagnosed both me and my Sister as having Sihr which seemed to have been fed to us and that we have Jinn residing in our arms.

It has been said out loud.

Sihr. Jinn. Possession.

I just sat there feeling numb and letting this information hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was as if he had told us that we had cancer. Except worse because this was an illness of the unseen involving evil creatures and filthy Magicians. So unknown and scary to us. SubhanAllah how will we cope? What do we do now? How do I sleep at night in the dark?

Many people react in different ways when they are diagnosed. Some go into shock and denial. Some cry profusely until the realization settles in like a calm but heavy breeze. Some are filled with anger and ask the ‘Who? What? Why?’.

Me? I wolfed down a chicken burger and fries. Drowned my sorrows in a can of pepsi. The small joys of comfort eating. I wanted to fill and cover the violent butterflies fluttering in my stomach and numb my mind from even ‘thinking’. We ate and drove back home in silence. Or perhaps I was too exhausted to talk anyway.

Ruqyah hurts.

I felt like I had been hit by a double decker bus. I felt bruised and battered. Funny. My heart also felt bruised and battered too. Ah here came the tears…I looked out of the window not wanting anyone else to see. Because that would mean having to really accept our diagnosis.

Sihr. Jinns. Possession.

Few quiet hours later, we arrived home. We had both agreed to act as normal as possible because there was no way we could tell our family. All hell would break loose. So we plastered on a fake smile and cheery tone and told our family….nothing.

I somehow dragged myself to my room and sat in my usual place on my bed, overlooking the window. The place I had previously sat when I cried my lungs out with feelings of grief and depression. I noticed something bulging from underneath my pillow so I moved it away and guess what I found?

A large golden mango. I looked at it and cried.

Ah…let me explain the story of the mango. My Father and I have a very close relationship- one where I was his little girl and he was my hero. Needless to say I was his favorite. Though he loved all of his children with all his heart, Alhamdulilaah. A very gentle man with a kind nature, MashAllah. Anyways, every summer when it was the season of mangoes; my Father would always buy boxes and boxes of them. It became a tradition in our household. Perhaps he wanted us to have a taste of something from back home in Bangladesh.

What my siblings didn’t know was that there was another tradition between me and Dad. That he would always secretly choose the biggest mango in the box and store it away for me. Later, he would find me and whisper to me as if he was revealing a top secret. Intrigued, I would follow him to a quiet place and act like I didn’t know what he was going to give me. Humoring him. He would then present me this huge golden mango as if he had traveled across the world and found it in a treasure chest- a sign of pure love. May Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala give him a long righteous life, ameen.
And if he couldn’t find me in the house…he would put it underneath my pillow, almost like a child’s game of hide and seek. Waiting for me to find it when I got home.

Ah but Father…those days of play and innocence and carefree summers are gone now. A dark storm has slowly crept over our family. I knew everything was about to change. I knew the earth beneath us would start to shake. I knew some really bad things were about to happen. The season of innocence has gone.

I looked at the mango again, and cried.

A Thief in the Night.

Quite often, we tend to forget about the bigger picture. The other side. The Hereafter and its consequences. Our minds get so entwined and intoxicated with this Dunya that when a trial shakes us out of this deep slumber, we are quite frankly gob smacked, confused and stunned. Like cold water smacking our faces into reality. To remind us that this Dunya is purely an examination ground for its inhabitants to be thoroughly tested. It’s not a playground for the heedless and thrill seekers. Or the followers of lust and gluttony. Although many do perceive it this way. Perhaps we all get distracted by the pomp, the glitter and the shiny lights. And perhaps we all need that wake up call every so often. A loud ringing both devastating but inevitable. Like the test we now faced.

Perplexed, stunned and scared were a few of the reactions that were pulsating through me, making my heart pump sporadically that rang loudly in my ears. Like the sound of dangerously hot bubbling water.

What had my Sister just said?

To hear of someone questioning the existence of Allah is worrying enough. But to hear of someone saying that they woke up one day and just ‘couldn’t feel emaan or understand who Allah is’ was terrifying. As if someone had dissected that part of the brain where the precious knowledge about Allah was stored. Like a silent thief in the night. I asked my Sister to explain a bit more and to describe what she felt but, she was coming out with jumbled phrases.

‘I just can’t feel it anymore. I can’t feel emaan.’

‘What do you mean, you can’t feel emaan anymore? How can it just go? That doesn’t make sense!’

‘No…you don’t understand. I can’t explain it myself…it all just feels gone. Empty.’

I just sat there staring at her, almost annoyed. This just didn’t make sense at all. How can someone just lose- Aha! I know what this is.

‘Look, it’s probably just low emaan. Everybody feels a bit numb every now and then. Or maybe your heart has hardened a little so you’re finding it hard to feel things. You just need to pray more and read more Qur’an. Watch, this empty feeling will go.’

There you go. I had solved the mystery. And feeling quite satisfied with myself, I left the room as I was late for work. And partly because I wanted to get away from the whole situation. It was very unnerving. And somewhere deep down…I still wondered if this really was just the hardening of the heart or low emaan. Could it be something else? If you have seen my sister’s eyes, you would have equally felt the shiver that I felt. Because when you looked at her eyes carefully, it was as if the light had gone from them.

As if you were looking at a lifeless mannequin.

Some weeks went by and there was still no improvement. In fact, my Sister began to deteriorate both physically and mentally. She started experiencing aches and pains in her body. Constant headaches. Bloatedness. Family and friends began to notice that something was very wrong. I mean who wouldn’t notice a silent person sitting in one place for hours, as if mourning something that they had lost. What was going on inside of her mind? How could she have changed so quickly?

What had she lost?

“If only I could explain to them what I was desperately trying to say. If only I knew myself why I couldn’t feel the most precious feeling in the world, emaan anymore. How do I explain that everything that I had gathered and learnt about Islam and the very reason for my existence…had vanished. Blurred. So now I felt no need to exist anymore. I felt like a hypocrite. A sinner. Mental. Crazy. Insane. Delirious. Hallucinating a vacuum of nothingness that was sucking at my intellect, my consciousness and my emotions. My mind was disintegrating. Maybe I had some brain infection? That could explain the sudden pain and illness I suppose. Or maybe it was some mental block? Or maybe my heart really had hardened so much that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Maybe Allah was punishing me because I had taken my religion for granted. I just didn’t know anymore. Over and over, my mind raced through every possible reason, frantically searching for its lost components. When I tried to read Qur’an to find answers, I would just see the terrifying ayaat about hypocrites and the punishment of the Hellfire. As if they were meant only for me. Then there were times where I could only believe in the Angel of Death and that he was searching for me. Hunting me down for my sudden wave of disbelief. Or hypocrisy. Some days I could just believe in the Hellfire as if its sparks and flames were already touching me. But, some days I couldn’t believe in anything at all. My fear and confusion grew with every day. In fact, I couldn’t even differentiate between night or day. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I could barely breathe. I couldn’t even think about my children anymore. All I could think about was this numb confusing feeling, this emptiness that overwhelmed me. This frustrating, terrifying absence that had engulfed me whole.”

We debated atheism. Discussed Islam. We researched scientific miracles, the history of the Quranic revelations and the story of Adam Alayhiswassallam. Anything that may act as a cue to perhaps trigger off a memory that would unlock all of this confusion. The way a dam lets loose water that is desperately trying to escape.

But nothing helped.

Perhaps this was an illness I thought to myself. Could it be depression? She certainly looked depressed. So I booked her an appointment and took her to the Doctor’s surgery. As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed a young girl playing with a puzzle. Giggling and laughing, showing her parents her work of art. I smiled wondering how had life passed us by so quickly, leaving us to deal with the problems of life that made us feel so old? Or maybe I was just tired. I glanced at my Sister, wondering if she was also thinking the same. Turns out she hadn’t even noticed the girl. She was staring into her hands. Was she searching for answers there?

When we were finally called, I was quite apprehensive. What exactly were we going to tell the Doctor when I didn’t understand it properly myself? But my Sister managed to describe her symptoms quite easily. That she was feeling down, confused about reality and unable to feel certain about her religion. Feeling pain in the right arm and leg. Tension in the head. Feeling suicidal. I was shocked at that one, but I didn’t show it. I guess I had to be the calm assured one.

I used to secretly cry at work because I didn’t want my family to see how disturbed and down I felt about what was happening to my Sister and how it was affecting the whole family. The most painful thing was the ‘not knowing’ part. Because if I knew what it was then I could fix it right? Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so incredibly helpless. And subhanAllah this reminds me of how Merciful Allah is. That He did not leave us alone on this Earth without giving us clear signs and instructions to follow. Even when Adam Alayhi Wassalam was created, Allah Subhana Wata’ala taught him the names of everything. Likewise, Allah did not send down trials and tribulations without also giving us directions to the cure and solution, as a Mercy. And I prayed deeply for this Mercy…

After twenty minutes and an awkward discussion, we walked out of the surgery with a prescription for antidepressants. Was it really that easy to obtain them? No blood tests? No hard evidence needed? You just tell the Doctor that you feel ‘low’ and they give you the magical pill? (excuse the pun). Can our problems really be solved with a dose of tablets made up of chemicals that have very long names?

The reason I was worried was because antidepressants are extremely addictive. They work by affecting the central nervous system and when you stop taking them, you can suffer withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, panic attacks and fever. But, most Doctors won’t really tell you that. Every medicine has side effects, it just depends on how desperate you are about feeling ‘better’. It’s sad to note that some people who are afflicted by Magic end up relying on antidepressants, thinking that they have depression. Because they aren’t knowledgeable on this topic, they struggle to differentiate the symptoms of depression and Magic. Both can be very similar. This is the mistake that we initially fell into as we were of those who knew nothing about Magic. Is ignorance not the root of all mistakes?

We headed home, feeling hopeful that we had found the cure to my Sister’s strange behavior. But I had a very bad feeling about these pills; I was never comfortable with chemicals going into the body. And so I told her not to take them and instead we could focus on therapy and counselling. You know, take her mind off things, make her happy and give her things to look forward too.

Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala Has Created so much beauty and harmony in this world, if only we could stop and see it. Happiness isn’t so far away from us you know, it’s us who choose the path full of distractions, tension and sadness.

As Muslims we are told not to despair and not to sit back and expect things to solve themselves. And I certainly wasn’t going to. I had full faith that Allah Subhana Wata’ala surely would help us if we made a small effort ourselves. So I began taking proactive steps to fix this problem. Since at the time I thought my Sister was depressed, I began a routine of taking her out to visit friends, going out for meals, getting her to help me with art projects. I even got her to join the Gym as I knew the benefits of exercising. I was hoping it would release some endorphin in her and make her feel happy again.

But it didn’t. Day by day I watched her deteriorate more and more, correlating with my feeling of helplessness.

We began to search for other explanations as her symptoms was more to do with Islam and not feeling low due to life or an adverse life event. I thought perhaps she was suffering from extreme waswasa. An excessive amount of Shaytanic whispering can cause you to doubt your faith, making you paranoid about acts of worship and completely confuse your mind about the simplest of things. It seemed to fit my Sister’s behavior. This seemed to fit more appropriately than depression so we tried to find ways to fight this waswasa. Remember I said I don’t like to give up so easily? I just couldn’t allow my Sister to deteriorate because of some evil Shaytaan. We tried repeating the Shahadah again and again. We tried writing the Shahadah out in English and explaining every word. I even tried reverse Psychology. Islamic talks. I even tried physical force once.

Yes really. One evening, I began to lightly push my sister on the shoulders hoping to trigger a reaction. Because she had become that emotionless. My voice grew louder, telling her to just think properly, to fight back. To snap out of it. I was trying to help her and partly myself. By releasing some tension. It had affected me more than I had realized. See this is the thing with Magic, or any trial as a matter of fact. It affects the whole family because it’s a test given to the slave needing to exercise patience and  it’s a test given to the close onlookers needing to react correctly. Do they offer support? Do they sacrifice time and help the afflicted person? Do they also turn to Allah and seek repentance?

Finally my sister responded saying ‘Yes, I will fight this. I will!’. But, it didn’t sound so certain. I ignored this anyway. Because I began to feel so drained of it all.

 

And because I was suddenly going through something very strange myself.

 

It started off as a normal day but, I was in an extremely mood. No, not just a bad mood but I felt an intense feeling of sadness. I wasn’t sure why I felt like this but, I blamed it on the stress with my Sister. Or maybe hormones. By evening it had gotten worse. I just sat in my room with a sudden rush of such grief inside of me that I was on the verge of wailing and crying out in pain. I sat staring out of my bedroom window, crying profusely. Clutching my stomach in pain. I didn’t know why it hurt. In fact I had absolutely no clue why I was crying. I just felt excruciating psychological pain throbbing inside of me. Pumping through my heart, sliding up my throat and finally gushing out of my eyes. I guess the situation with my Sister had really got to me? That’s all. I was just releasing some of the stress. I tried not to think much of it. I mean, what else could it be? After I had calmed down enough, I wiped my eyes and carried on as normal. Tears have many colors. And mine were as dark as the darkness of clouds heavy with rain. But, there are times when it’s best to hide them away to protect others. Because I tended to be the one who held my family together. And I couldn’t break down now, especially when my family members were going through difficult calamities.

I had my Sister to worry about. Not to mention my Mother whom I had recently found out was afflicted with Magic. I had lacked in making Ruqya water for her because of what was happening and-

 

Magic.

 

I gasped. Could it be? SubhanAllah, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my Sister could also be suffering from Magic. Could she? Because it was something that happened to other people. But it seemed to make so much sense now. And it was in that moment that I could see the Mercy that I was asking for, had come. And it was exactly what I needed when I myself, was feeling so despondent. You will notice that this is the Beautiful Sunnah of Allah. He, Subhana Wata ‘ala, rushes towards us with ease when we feel like we have crumbled to our lowest, most desperate point. He gives us this ease like rare pearls from the bottom of the ocean. Just to tell us ‘My slave, I won’t let you drown in this difficulty. I will Lift you out so you can breathe again’.

To be continued, in sha Allah…

 

I look forward to your comments below 🙂

The Silent Signs.

Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

‘If Allah Loves a slave, He tries him with tests’ Tirmidhi.

It’s not an understatement when I say that this hadith truly gets me through my worst days. It is my safety rope that I hold on to when I feel I am drowning in a sea of darkness. Because no matter how severe and testing my situation becomes, no matter how much pain or aggravation I feel and no matter how many times I feel that I am on the verge of going insane…as long as I can remember this hadith and remember that Allah Loves me. I can get through anything.

I have a pattern of ‘high’ days and ‘low’ days. Sometimes the effects of the Magic seems quite weak and I am as ‘normal’ as I can be. I feel positive about my situation, I happily read Qur’an and can I go outside and do my normal activities. In fact…some days I can forget that I am even possessed at all.

But some days are like a ton of bricks hitting me at full force.

On days like that, it will take me a few hours to coax myself out of my bed to begin my day. My peripheral vision will be coated with a layer of grey where even the sun looks gloomy and dark. Sometimes I wake up to find my arm moving by itself, jerking and twisting and hitting the mattress violently. A normal person would probably start screaming in shock. Me? It’s become so normal that I hardly react to it anymore. My breathing will be all over the place. Sometimes rapid. Sometimes it’s so labored that I barely feel oxygen entering my lungs. It is as if the whole world and everything in it is evil, painful and out to harm me. I will have to consciously control my breathing because I begin to have panic attacks. And if someone asks me what’s wrong? My answer is always the same.

‘I keep feeling like someone is coming to kill me in the worst possible way. And there is no where I can hide to save myself’.

This feeling stays with me the whole day and by Allah, it is the worst feeling in the world. I end up burying my head in my hands, trembling, teary and on the verge of hyperventilating. I spend about an hour talking to myself. That I will be ok. No one is trying to kill me. Allah is Protecting you. Take it one step at a time. Come on, you can do this.

After great effort, I am then able to get out of bed and start my day, SubhanAllah. Everything is blown out of proportion in my mind. My emotions are highly sensitive. Especially anger. If someone accidentally spills a drink in front of me, I feel like screaming in rage and punching their face against the wall. I apologize for being graphic but this is my reality. Alhamdulilah I don’t succumb to these violent thoughts. Though I once threw a remote control at my sister’s head. She didn’t take it personally.

In fact, I have many suicidal thoughts too. And not your usual ‘rebellious teenager’ suicidal thoughts either. Mine are intense and vivid. Like a heavy clock constantly ticking in my ears. Tick tick tick.

Why don’t you just end it all? Life’s not worth living. Death is better for you. Go on, go to the bathroom and pick up that razor. No, no stop it! I don’t want to die, stop whisperinggg to me. Fine then. Why don’t you go outside and walk onto the road. It will be swift. Go on just die. What’s wrong with you? You are pathetic. We will get you. We will kill you soon’

The effort and energy that goes in resisting these Shaytanic whispers is exhausting. I usually don’t leave my house on days like this because it’s too stressful for me. I am a bickering mess. And the thought of going outside and trying to act ‘normal’ is just plain tiring. I’m also scared of the going near the roads. You can imagine why.

SubhanAllah I could write pages and pages on how my days go by. Every day is a battle. You may wonder how I got to this stage. Who did this to me? How did it begin? And why are Jinns trying to kill me?

My story actually begins with my Mother.

Because she is also a sufferer of Magic and Jinn Possession.

Sadly you will see that in the realms of Magic, the sufferers usually involve several family members. The Magician who cast this spell on my Mother is in fact a relative (I will explain how I know this information in later posts). Shocking? I wouldn’t say so. Over 90% of cases are done by someone that you actually know. That’s incredibly daunting. I would say that their motives are usually spurred on by jealousy, greed of status and money and all sorts of worldly gain. They must really have a black heart, SubhanAllah.

My Mother has been suffering Magic for around thirteen years now. It is the Magic of loving and obeying another person. He is a relative who came from abroad and moved in with us over fifteen years ago. Over the years she developed a very unusual attachment to this individual, even though he was actually a relative from my Father’s side. She seemed to love him like her own son. More than that in fact. She would obey him whenever he asked of anything. She would praise him constantly as if he was a saint. And yet, he was far from a saint. He was sexist, violent and abusive and extremely arrogant.

If they are arrogant enough to turn their face away from Allah and side with Iblis than how must they treat people?

Which is why he was very abusive towards others. In fact, I remember when I was a child he once hit me across the face when I had not done anything wrong.

But it was more shocking that my Mother didn’t bat an eyelid. In fact, she would get angry with me for for not obeying him in the household the way she did. This individual continued being abusive towards me and other family members for years afterwards. He shouted. He bullied. He abused. He swore. He manipulated everyone so he was always in control of our family affairs.

You can imagine how traumatized I was by living in this abusive environment where a stranger had full authority to hurt me while the person who was supposed to protect me from harm…didn’t. My Mother.

But something kept bugging me about my Mother. She had a blank look in her eyes and you could see right through them. They were hollow and dark. When she spoke to you, it was as if her thoughts were elsewhere. She could not sleep at night and constantly complained of pain in her arm and her head. But most of all, she could not stand any form of negativity towards this relative.

Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of my old Mother. She would smile, talk and speak to us lovingly. With some life in her eyes. But that would not last long.

What grip did this man have over my Mother that she only had tunnel vision. A tunnel vision that only reached to one person. And one person only.

The reason I have narrated these scenarios is because many people fail to realize that suffering from Magic is not a simple story. It can have years and years of complicated past history. It usually involves many victims and many sad stories.  And much heartache. This Magician chose his victim carefully. Through my Mother, he was able to hold authority in our household and have control over my family and financial affairs. So because of his greed for worldly gain, I lost my Mother to another world. A world of the unseen.

Thus, I lived most of my life in a complicated and painful relationship with my Mother. I could not understand what had happened to her. There was something very wrong and I could not put my finger on it.

This is in my opinion, one of the key sure signs of Magic. It’s something that ‘you can’t quite put your finger on’. If you sense this, go for your gut instinct and find out if they are suffering from Magic. Don’t always brush it off as paranoia. Don’t delay it as much as I did. Because I should have reacted sooner.

It wasn’t until I had watched Ruqya videos online that I realized that most of the symptoms being described were evident in my Mother. I was shocked yes. But, part of me…already knew. It was as if a penny had dropped. Several pennies in fact. The Insomnia. The swift change in behavior. The unusual attachment.

It is sad to think that for that past thirteen years I lived a painful and confusing relationship with my Mother without knowing why. This phenomena is very common. Many people don’t realize that a family member is afflicted with Magic unless they are aware of what symptoms to look out for. There are physical and psychological symptoms as well as symptoms that occur during the day and those that happen at night. Such as, a sudden change in behavior, habits and sleeping patterns. A sudden change of emotion and feelings towards others. This can be an extreme feeling of love as well an extreme hatred for someone. An afflicted person will commonly feel pain in certain limbs (as my Mother displayed). On the other hand, not everyone with these symptoms are suffering Magic. It can be a medical or mental illness for example.

Soon after, I began the process of doing Ruqya on my Mother. ‘Ruqya’ is usually described as the recitation and utilization of the Qur’an and Prophetic Duas, seeking protection and cure from Magic, Jinn Possession, evil eye and any other form of illness.

Yes, the Qur’an can cure any form of illness since Allah Subhana Wata’ala describes the whole of the Qur’an as ‘ As-Shifaa- The Cure’. SubhanAllah, when I think of Ruqya I feel an immense feeling of gratitude to Allah Subhana Wata’ala. For it is only from the Perfection of His Mercy that He sent a cure for everything.

It is as if Allah is showing that He has not left us alone in our problems but He Will be a significant close Guardian throughout it. He is after all…Al Waliy.

I recited different portions of the Qur’an over a bottle of water and secretly gave this to my Mother whenever I got the chance. I also sprinkled this water in the four corners of every room. I had to do it secretly as my Mother would never believe that she was afflicted with Magic and would have probably gotten angry with me for what I was doing. Regardless of how my childhood was spent, I had to help her from this evil affliction and from the evil intentions of this malicious Magician. After all didn’t the Prophet (Sallallahu alayhi wassallam) say that the person who deserves your best treatment is ‘your Mother, your Mother…your Mother’?.

And so with determination I continued with Ruqyah process, hoping to help my Mother, In sha Allah. I made lots of du’aa for her to be cured and I began to pray extra Salah. To my amazement, I began to taste a closeness to Allah that was sweet and spiritually uplifting. I felt relieved that I finally understood why my Mother acted the way she did. She had not acted out of her own accord. She was in fact, a victim of Magic that was kept so hidden that it took us thirteen years to diagnose it.

Or maybe it was because I was so ignorant on this topic? Maybe if the knowledge was more available and commonly talked about, I could have realized what was happening sooner?

A few months went by and although I did not know if the Ruqya was affecting my Mother, I continued. And I continued on with my life. Because as Muslims we don’t let a problem affect our resolve nor do we forget the purpose of our existence on this Dunya. A servant serving his Lord. I found a job, I attended Islamic circles, I studied the Qur’an and so forth. Life seemed calm and positive again, Alhamdulilah.

You will notice that the pattern of life is like this. Alternating between moments of hardship and happiness.

‘Verily with Hardship comes ease, verily with Hardship comes ease’ (94:6).

So I was enjoying this brief moment of ease and peace- until another trial fell upon my family and myself. But this time I wasn’t expecting it. This time it shocked me to the very core that I was left speechless. You may assume that this is the part where I found out that I suffered from Magic right? Not quite.

On a cold night of December, my sister suddenly started acting very strange.

She began to complain of pain in her limbs, bloated in her stomach and tightening in her head. She had also stopped talking and just sat staring at the space in front of her. With a blank look in her eyes…

When I cautiously asked her what was wrong, she remained silent. Unresponsive. But after long moments of silence she finally spoke.

But what she said next made my hairs stand up on my neck.

‘I c-can’t seem to believe in Allah anymore. When I prayed Salaah yesterday… suddenly I didn’t know who I was praying to. I can’t seem to understand anything anymore. I keep hearing voices in my mind that are insistently whispering:

‘Who created such and such? Then who created such and such…..then who created Allah?’

To be continued, In sha Allah.

The Beginning.

Assalamu ‘alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

‘’We huddled excitedly around the laptop as the video uploaded, albeit slowly. The long awaited fourth episode of Diaries of the Exorcist had been uploaded online and my sisters and I were eager to watch it. It is a series of video episodes describing real life stories of unfortunate families in the UK who suffer Magic and Jinn possession. I, and most of my friends have been following them. They are very insightful into a world that we knew little about. To hear of actual Jinn possession cases happening in this country was completely unknown to me. I didn’t really know much about Jinns apart from the fact that they were another creation of Allah. I guess I didn’t give much thought to them because we can’t see them. Out of sight, out of mind right?

And as for Magic. Well that backwards stuff only happens in the small villages of the East right? And surely the cases are very rare in this country. Surely.

Or so I thought.

‘Is it on yet?’

‘It’s loading’

‘Your laptop is too slow’

‘Maybe it’s possessed’ I laugh.’

As we began to watch the video, I inwardly thought to myself ‘It must be devastating to be in such a terrifying situation.’ Some of the cases being described were harrowing. Frightful. And almost too surreal to believe. This happens here? In this country as well? SubhanAllah.

But deep down there was an inner voice heaving a sigh of relief. Alhamdulilah we’re not going through such a struggle. Alhamdulilah I’m not possessed by Jinns. I can’t imagine…

Little did I know that I would soon leave my small world of innocence, comfort and calm and I would embark on a journey that would change my life. A journey that would open my eyes to another world, another civilization that have been living among us for thousands of years. Without us really realizing it.

That is until both worlds collide.

Maybe I should introduce myself. I am a sister living in the UK and I am a recent graduate from University. My life was busy job searching, looking after my family and generally living a normal life that a young sister would. My life was quite tranquil Alhamdulilah. Nothing too troubling was affecting me. However, it was Allah’s Will to try me with a test that many of you may not be too familiar with. I have been diagnosed as a sufferer of Magic and Jinn Possession. The type of Magic is one of ‘self destruction’.

This means that I wake up almost everyday not wanting to be alive.

And I have no plausible or realistic reason for it. This means that I have depression symptoms and sometimes suicidal thoughts without a significant event causing this. This means I will wake up in the middle of the night and cry until I am exhausted. And I don’t even know why. I live with Jinns residing inside of my body. Not only is this physically painful but it significantly affects my mind, cognitive thought processes and emotions. I will be ‘myself’ one moment and suddenly I will start to shout and laugh menacingly. That’s not me by the way. Sometimes my limbs will twitch as if they have a life of their own. Well..technically they now do.

SubhanAllah do you know what it’s like to know that an evil being ‘lives’ inside of you and runs through your veins? That another personality surfaces inside of you and sometimes..you forget which part is you and which part is them..?

See this is what Magic does to you. The Magician (the practitioner of Magic) casts a spell on his chosen target with a specific purpose. It may be a ‘spell of separation’ where a husband cannot stand to be around his wife anymore. It can be in the form of a ‘love spell’. Where you suddenly have strange feelings of attraction and love for someone. Usually, Magicians assign Jinn(s) to possess your body and you may not realize its effects straightaway. It could be years before you sense that something is wrong with you. In order to become a Magician, the individual must draw closer to the Shayateen by completing acts that please them. Such as degrading the Qur’an, sacrificing an animal, bathing in feces and urine. Astaghfirullah.

*Note: Not all Jinns are Shaytaan but all Shayateen are Jinns. Jinns have different religions just like Humans and the Shayateen are those who clearly disobey Allah and worship Iblis.

Once, they are close to the Shayateen, they agree to ‘work’ for the Magician and are willing to enter the body of humans and cause harm. They can distort your cognition, make you feel depressed, in love, angry, confused, mentally unstable. Violent. Many symptoms are similar to those of mental and psychological illnesses. Such as Bipolar disorder, Split Personality, Schizophrenia, Epilepsy and Depression. That’s why it is very hard to differentiate what an individual is suffering. Sometimes a person with Jinn possession may be diagnosed as having a mental illness and vice versa. It is a very grey area in a grey world.

I have only recently found out about my situation. But, I have been suffering Magic for over seven years and I had no idea. That’s because Jinns can remain dormant inside your body. That is until you perform Ruqya (recitation of the Qur’an as a means of cure). The Jinns cannot withstand the Qur’an and so they start to ‘react’ in your body.

So that’s why last Ramadhan I felt an intense burning sensation in my arm when I recited the Qur’an for a long time?

All the small discrepancies that I had in the past few years seem to make sense now. The random times I would get angry and cry. The frightful dreams of black snakes. Seeing black shapes in my bedroom at night. Perhaps they were signs from Allah?

As you can imagine I was quite aghast and devastated when I realized that I was suffering from Magic and Jinn possession. At first I went through different phases of emotions. Denial. Confusion. Wanting to seek revenge. A few emotional breakdowns along the way. Comfort eating. Sometimes laughing in bewilderment. Mostly, just very very scared. This was all completely alien to me. I didn’t know the first thing on what to do or how to get help.

Maybe I’m just imagining it all and getting all paranoid for nothing?

The first place I went to for information was the Internet. Sheikh Google. Quite obvious. Alhamdulilah I found some helpful information on how to do Self Ruqya, how to protect yourself against Magic and general factual information.

But, I noticed a lack of real support for patients. Almost all patients (including myself) suffer traumatic experiences, some psychological damage and can become very isolated. But where do we turn? How do we seek support and solace? There was no real forum group support, no counseling offered nor any website offering real life stories to help us through this difficult time. To show us that we are not alone in this.

The only thing close to real life information was the Diaries of the Exorcist episodes that I had watched because they made me feel that I’m not alone. Others are going through the same, if not worst situations. Strangely I had watched these videos around a year before I was diagnosed. But never did I think that I would be living in that same situation myself. Come to think of it I am pretty sure that Allah Subhana wata’ala guided me to watch them. To prepare myself for the coming storm. Because remember, trials in this Dunya are inevitable. But, if you are true believers,  Allah Subhana wata’ala will be with you all the way. That’s why I choose to remain optimistic. I choose to continue fighting even though I cannot even see my enemy. I realise that trials in life are a gift.

Yes a gift.

Allah subhana wata’ala gifts you a hard situation to purify you, forgive your sins, teach you beautiful lessons, draw you closer to Him and much much more. All Praise is due to Allah. It is up to us on how we react and what we gain from it.

So after much thought I have decided to tell my story. I think this subject is so unknown to people that many don’t even recognize signs of Magic and Possession. Many don’t know how to react to those possessed around them and many go about the wrong way to seeking a cure.

Alhamdulilah I have learnt incredible lessons on this journey. I have grown as a person. As a Muslim. I have seen the Qur’an come alive in front of my eyes (I will write more about this in my upcoming posts in sha Allah). I felt a closeness to Allah that I never thought possible. I have been through incredible distress and gotten through it. Realising that I had more endurance within myself than I previously thought.

But most of all…I learnt what true Sabr is.

I could write pages and pages on it. Though I won’t do that word justice. Sabr is not something that can be defined and written about in the theoretical form. Sabr cannot be written on a piece of paper. Sabr is something that you must live through and internalize. It must penetrate your heart with clear understanding.. Sabr is a treasured lesson that you must be taught. And the only One who will teach you is off course the Greatest Teacher in the world. Allah.

This is all from me for now. The Shayateen don’t like me writing like this so I am in quite some pain. But hey, it purifies right? 🙂 In sha Allah..

Anyway, I am hoping that someone may benefit from the things that I will write in sha Allah. Maybe a sufferer may feel motivated to continue fighting knowing that there are others like them. Maybe some things will make you appreciate what you have in your life. Some things may make you cry. Or laugh even. Or contemplate deeply. Or at the very least, I wish for you to draw closer to Allah Subhana wata’ala in some way, In sha Allah.

So I invite you to read my stories and take something good from it.

Because I have.

So until next time, wasalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I look forward to your comments below 🙂