Assalamu ‘Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,
You can’t imagine how many articles I have wrote-and rewrote. Scrapped and then rescrapped. For unknown reasons my writing took a serious hit and..I am unable to write as easily. My mind goes blank, I feel pressure in my chest and I simply cannot transform anything to words. Perhaps it is related to the Sihr (magic) or the Jinn. I keep writing but then my mind gets muddled and I simply cannot post anything. Sounds abnormal slash paranormal right?
But, all I know is that one day I will get past it and who knows? I may get the mental strength to complete this article and post it? In sha Allah.
The pressure is building in my chest already but here goes. Afterall, people like me and people like you are used to fighting the inexplainable. My writing may seem random and sporadic but I really just want to write, before my mind goes all funny again. I hope it’s still a help?
Since the last time I posted, I have improved greatly Alhamdulillah. After months of reciting Surah Baqara, exercising, healthy eating, drinking vinegar (yes I know..), breathing techniques and all sorts- I am at a stage where I barely have reactions and I can live my life almost normally. Almost. There still days-rare days-that I have a violent reaction or two. But, it’s weaker. And then, can you ever be normal after an experience like this?
They say time is a great healer. I say the Owner of time is the Greatest Healer. I almost laugh at myself when I remember the amount of times I lost hope in life. In the 90s, my father bought me a second hand bike after weeks of nagging and whining. But hey, I was eight at the time, it was our job to whine. The bike was sparkly red and green with thick tires and stickers of action heroes on it. It was a secondhand boys bike, but I loved it. Remember the good old days when our parents would go to the local Car Boot Sales and bring home random wonderful things? Lol Anyway, I rode my bike for days on end, so pleased and confident to be the ‘cool’ kid on the street. I relished in the fresh cuts on my knees (I was never very athletic or good with..balance). One day however, I put my bike in the shed and someone stole it during the night, leaving me devastated and confused. At that age, I didn’t really understand the evil doings that happen in our world. How someone can steal a bike. Or how someone can physically hurt you. Cheat you. Deceive you. Or ridicule you.
You are wondering why I am talking about a childhood bike right? Because, there was a point in all our lives that painful things started happening to us. From a very young age perhaps. What we know as tests. As we got older, the tests got harder. As we grew stronger, the tests grew tougher. But some of us crumbled, grew fed up and asked ‘why? And I suppose at some level, that’s understandable. But the ‘why’ should be a reflection on Allah. Not an accusation against Allah.
I admit, I almost crumbled at the beginning of all this and gave up. Who wouldn’t? Considering the culture we live in, the J word would creep us all out right? They were only in scary stories. And then BAM you are told things like ‘yes there is a jinn living inside of you and er..it wants to kill you’. I didn’t even know that was possible! So you are now living your own horror story. So in all of this panic and shock and ignorance, it’s hard to be brave. It’s hard to say ‘yes it’s just a test and we need to get through it’. It’s OK to cry about it. Sometimes, when things were so bad, like a jinn attacking me in my bedroom while I’m all alone, I cried for my Mom. Seriously. Maybe you are wondering this was weakness? Maybe. But you really don’t know how bad it is until you go through it yourself. It can be terrifying. No no. Not because it’s a jinn and arghh they are frightening (because they’re in fact very weak) but because you feel.so.out.of.control.
Isn’t that one of the scariest things in the world? To have no control over your mind, or body, or speech.
You know, we will never properly understand the Mercy of Allah because it is such a divine attribute. But we have experienced His Mercy envelope us when we need it the most haven’t we? When we thought we couldn’t possibly go through anymore, we went through more did we not? When you thought your body was so drained from energy, you still managed to crawl to Salah if needed right? When you felt agony, you still cracked a smile for your family right? Because He is always there in your aid. And through His constant help and guidance, I have managed to get a little bit better each day. And it’s the same with you. Just keep doing what you are doing and one day..you will wake up feeling much better. You will not realize the slow progress but every ayaah that you recite, every drop of Ruqya water and oil that you use, every utterance of adhkar and Dua that you make..IS making you better. Hold on to the rope of hope. It starts with you and finishes with Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala.
By the way, I have recently passed my driving and I was gifted a very nice car Alhamdulillah. Beats a bike right? Remember, whatever is taken from you…surely is replaced with something better 🙂
I think I will post this one.