Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.
‘If Allah Loves a slave, He tries him with tests’ Tirmidhi.
It’s not an understatement when I say that this hadith truly gets me through my worst days. It is my safety rope that I hold on to when I feel I am drowning in a sea of darkness. Because no matter how severe and testing my situation becomes, no matter how much pain or aggravation I feel and no matter how many times I feel that I am on the verge of going insane…as long as I can remember this hadith and remember that Allah Loves me. I can get through anything.
I have a pattern of ‘high’ days and ‘low’ days. Sometimes the effects of the Magic seems quite weak and I am as ‘normal’ as I can be. I feel positive about my situation, I happily read Qur’an and can I go outside and do my normal activities. In fact…some days I can forget that I am even possessed at all.
But some days are like a ton of bricks hitting me at full force.
On days like that, it will take me a few hours to coax myself out of my bed to begin my day. My peripheral vision will be coated with a layer of grey where even the sun looks gloomy and dark. Sometimes I wake up to find my arm moving by itself, jerking and twisting and hitting the mattress violently. A normal person would probably start screaming in shock. Me? It’s become so normal that I hardly react to it anymore. My breathing will be all over the place. Sometimes rapid. Sometimes it’s so labored that I barely feel oxygen entering my lungs. It is as if the whole world and everything in it is evil, painful and out to harm me. I will have to consciously control my breathing because I begin to have panic attacks. And if someone asks me what’s wrong? My answer is always the same.
‘I keep feeling like someone is coming to kill me in the worst possible way. And there is no where I can hide to save myself’.
This feeling stays with me the whole day and by Allah, it is the worst feeling in the world. I end up burying my head in my hands, trembling, teary and on the verge of hyperventilating. I spend about an hour talking to myself. That I will be ok. No one is trying to kill me. Allah is Protecting you. Take it one step at a time. Come on, you can do this.
After great effort, I am then able to get out of bed and start my day, SubhanAllah. Everything is blown out of proportion in my mind. My emotions are highly sensitive. Especially anger. If someone accidentally spills a drink in front of me, I feel like screaming in rage and punching their face against the wall. I apologize for being graphic but this is my reality. Alhamdulilah I don’t succumb to these violent thoughts. Though I once threw a remote control at my sister’s head. She didn’t take it personally.
In fact, I have many suicidal thoughts too. And not your usual ‘rebellious teenager’ suicidal thoughts either. Mine are intense and vivid. Like a heavy clock constantly ticking in my ears. Tick tick tick.
‘Why don’t you just end it all? Life’s not worth living. Death is better for you. Go on, go to the bathroom and pick up that razor. No, no stop it! I don’t want to die, stop whisperinggg to me. Fine then. Why don’t you go outside and walk onto the road. It will be swift. Go on just die. What’s wrong with you? You are pathetic. We will get you. We will kill you soon’
The effort and energy that goes in resisting these Shaytanic whispers is exhausting. I usually don’t leave my house on days like this because it’s too stressful for me. I am a bickering mess. And the thought of going outside and trying to act ‘normal’ is just plain tiring. I’m also scared of the going near the roads. You can imagine why.
SubhanAllah I could write pages and pages on how my days go by. Every day is a battle. You may wonder how I got to this stage. Who did this to me? How did it begin? And why are Jinns trying to kill me?
My story actually begins with my Mother.
Because she is also a sufferer of Magic and Jinn Possession.
Sadly you will see that in the realms of Magic, the sufferers usually involve several family members. The Magician who cast this spell on my Mother is in fact a relative (I will explain how I know this information in later posts). Shocking? I wouldn’t say so. Over 90% of cases are done by someone that you actually know. That’s incredibly daunting. I would say that their motives are usually spurred on by jealousy, greed of status and money and all sorts of worldly gain. They must really have a black heart, SubhanAllah.
My Mother has been suffering Magic for around thirteen years now. It is the Magic of loving and obeying another person. He is a relative who came from abroad and moved in with us over fifteen years ago. Over the years she developed a very unusual attachment to this individual, even though he was actually a relative from my Father’s side. She seemed to love him like her own son. More than that in fact. She would obey him whenever he asked of anything. She would praise him constantly as if he was a saint. And yet, he was far from a saint. He was sexist, violent and abusive and extremely arrogant.
If they are arrogant enough to turn their face away from Allah and side with Iblis than how must they treat people?
Which is why he was very abusive towards others. In fact, I remember when I was a child he once hit me across the face when I had not done anything wrong.
But it was more shocking that my Mother didn’t bat an eyelid. In fact, she would get angry with me for for not obeying him in the household the way she did. This individual continued being abusive towards me and other family members for years afterwards. He shouted. He bullied. He abused. He swore. He manipulated everyone so he was always in control of our family affairs.
You can imagine how traumatized I was by living in this abusive environment where a stranger had full authority to hurt me while the person who was supposed to protect me from harm…didn’t. My Mother.
But something kept bugging me about my Mother. She had a blank look in her eyes and you could see right through them. They were hollow and dark. When she spoke to you, it was as if her thoughts were elsewhere. She could not sleep at night and constantly complained of pain in her arm and her head. But most of all, she could not stand any form of negativity towards this relative.
Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of my old Mother. She would smile, talk and speak to us lovingly. With some life in her eyes. But that would not last long.
What grip did this man have over my Mother that she only had tunnel vision. A tunnel vision that only reached to one person. And one person only.
The reason I have narrated these scenarios is because many people fail to realize that suffering from Magic is not a simple story. It can have years and years of complicated past history. It usually involves many victims and many sad stories. And much heartache. This Magician chose his victim carefully. Through my Mother, he was able to hold authority in our household and have control over my family and financial affairs. So because of his greed for worldly gain, I lost my Mother to another world. A world of the unseen.
Thus, I lived most of my life in a complicated and painful relationship with my Mother. I could not understand what had happened to her. There was something very wrong and I could not put my finger on it.
This is in my opinion, one of the key sure signs of Magic. It’s something that ‘you can’t quite put your finger on’. If you sense this, go for your gut instinct and find out if they are suffering from Magic. Don’t always brush it off as paranoia. Don’t delay it as much as I did. Because I should have reacted sooner.
It wasn’t until I had watched Ruqya videos online that I realized that most of the symptoms being described were evident in my Mother. I was shocked yes. But, part of me…already knew. It was as if a penny had dropped. Several pennies in fact. The Insomnia. The swift change in behavior. The unusual attachment.
It is sad to think that for that past thirteen years I lived a painful and confusing relationship with my Mother without knowing why. This phenomena is very common. Many people don’t realize that a family member is afflicted with Magic unless they are aware of what symptoms to look out for. There are physical and psychological symptoms as well as symptoms that occur during the day and those that happen at night. Such as, a sudden change in behavior, habits and sleeping patterns. A sudden change of emotion and feelings towards others. This can be an extreme feeling of love as well an extreme hatred for someone. An afflicted person will commonly feel pain in certain limbs (as my Mother displayed). On the other hand, not everyone with these symptoms are suffering Magic. It can be a medical or mental illness for example.
Soon after, I began the process of doing Ruqya on my Mother. ‘Ruqya’ is usually described as the recitation and utilization of the Qur’an and Prophetic Duas, seeking protection and cure from Magic, Jinn Possession, evil eye and any other form of illness.
Yes, the Qur’an can cure any form of illness since Allah Subhana Wata’ala describes the whole of the Qur’an as ‘ As-Shifaa- The Cure’. SubhanAllah, when I think of Ruqya I feel an immense feeling of gratitude to Allah Subhana Wata’ala. For it is only from the Perfection of His Mercy that He sent a cure for everything.
It is as if Allah is showing that He has not left us alone in our problems but He Will be a significant close Guardian throughout it. He is after all…Al Waliy.
I recited different portions of the Qur’an over a bottle of water and secretly gave this to my Mother whenever I got the chance. I also sprinkled this water in the four corners of every room. I had to do it secretly as my Mother would never believe that she was afflicted with Magic and would have probably gotten angry with me for what I was doing. Regardless of how my childhood was spent, I had to help her from this evil affliction and from the evil intentions of this malicious Magician. After all didn’t the Prophet (Sallallahu alayhi wassallam) say that the person who deserves your best treatment is ‘your Mother, your Mother…your Mother’?.
And so with determination I continued with Ruqyah process, hoping to help my Mother, In sha Allah. I made lots of du’aa for her to be cured and I began to pray extra Salah. To my amazement, I began to taste a closeness to Allah that was sweet and spiritually uplifting. I felt relieved that I finally understood why my Mother acted the way she did. She had not acted out of her own accord. She was in fact, a victim of Magic that was kept so hidden that it took us thirteen years to diagnose it.
Or maybe it was because I was so ignorant on this topic? Maybe if the knowledge was more available and commonly talked about, I could have realized what was happening sooner?
A few months went by and although I did not know if the Ruqya was affecting my Mother, I continued. And I continued on with my life. Because as Muslims we don’t let a problem affect our resolve nor do we forget the purpose of our existence on this Dunya. A servant serving his Lord. I found a job, I attended Islamic circles, I studied the Qur’an and so forth. Life seemed calm and positive again, Alhamdulilah.
You will notice that the pattern of life is like this. Alternating between moments of hardship and happiness.
‘Verily with Hardship comes ease, verily with Hardship comes ease’ (94:6).
So I was enjoying this brief moment of ease and peace- until another trial fell upon my family and myself. But this time I wasn’t expecting it. This time it shocked me to the very core that I was left speechless. You may assume that this is the part where I found out that I suffered from Magic right? Not quite.
On a cold night of December, my sister suddenly started acting very strange.
She began to complain of pain in her limbs, bloated in her stomach and tightening in her head. She had also stopped talking and just sat staring at the space in front of her. With a blank look in her eyes…
When I cautiously asked her what was wrong, she remained silent. Unresponsive. But after long moments of silence she finally spoke.
But what she said next made my hairs stand up on my neck.
‘I c-can’t seem to believe in Allah anymore. When I prayed Salaah yesterday… suddenly I didn’t know who I was praying to. I can’t seem to understand anything anymore. I keep hearing voices in my mind that are insistently whispering:
‘Who created such and such? Then who created such and such…..then who created Allah?’
To be continued, In sha Allah.