Ruqya Session Continued pt7

Following on from the last post, I could go on at lengths to describe every detail of what happened during the two intense weeks that we spent in Ruqya with the Raaqi. However, some parts are repetitive and some parts I have forgotten (it has been known that memory can get disrupted/damaged due to Sihr).

After a Jinn supposedly left my body through my leg, I did feel instant ease Alhamdulillah. This lasted for around two and half minutes, and then suddenly my heartbeat increased and I could barely breathe properly. I started feeling woozy and ‘possessed’ again. The Raaqi had turned to the other Sister in the hallway who couldn’t stop laughing hysterically, to calm her down and attempted to reason with the Jinn inside her. Sensing that I was getting distressed again, the Raaqi turned to me and realised that I may have a another Jinn inside of me and so spoke harshly to the jinn again. Another Jinn responded. It said the same things as the previous Jinn and again ‘appeared’ to leave through my leg. I write ‘appeared to leave’ in quotation marks as I now realise that Shayateen lie ALOT. They will try every known little trick to fool and deceive you in their desperate attempt to keep you confused and distracted from reciting Quran and destroying them. So in hindsight, there was most likely only one Jinn in my body, who in the end pretended to be seven different Jinns. They claim to have been sent by a Magician to harm me by causing me distress, depression and a mental breakdown. They also expressed their fear that if they do not complete their ‘mission’ then the Magician would kill them. At hearing this, the Raaqi explained that if they turned Muslim they would be allowed to seek refuge in the Masajid- the Shayateen accepted this and left through my leg. I felt a pressure pulse from my head all the way to my toes and afterwards I felt a lightness and ease.

Raaqi peered at me intently and said ‘There’s more of you isn’t there?’. I began to giggle in a girlish sounding voice and said ‘yes there are’. I never normally sound so girly by the way so it felt almost amusing to hear my voice sound so high pitched and child like.

It seemed like I was possessed by multiple Jinn. I’m not sure how to accurately  describe it, except that I could feel different personalities emerge inside of me. Each having different emotions, maturity and behaviours. Their voices even sounded different. Some were deep and some were light and childish. The one that surfaced now giggled a lot and acted coy. It seemed like a female jinn. The Raaqi repeated the same process as before and again, it ‘seemed’ like the jinn left again. Then a ‘new’ jinn appeared and the Raaqi did the same process again. This happened for a total of seven times. Seven times! It’s just madness.

Now I do want to point out that there is a commonly known mental disorder call DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder) that has very similiar symptoms to one who is possessed. DID is characterised by the ‘presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person’s behavior’. It can stem from experiencing extreme trauma, abuse and/or neglect in childhood. Now the tough question here is- who is really possessed and who suffers a psychological disorder? It is honestly hard to differentiate because the inner workings of the mind, personality and soul are part of the unseen. Allah Knows best. A general rule of thumb would be to check yourself medically and by mental professionals first then also have Ruqya done by a trust Raaqi or do Ruqya yourself and look out for abnormal sympotoms that can’t be explained medically.

Anyway, looking back at my situation now, I believe that I was possessed by one Jinn, who was trying to fool me and others into believing that there were multiple Jinn inside me. I have learnt with time and experience that Shayateen lie a lot and love to scare us by acting more powerful than they are and making it seem like your situation is worse than it is. I believe that this Jinn never really left my body in the Ruqya session but was pretending to. Why? Because it simply could. They are the creation of the unseen so why wouldn’t they try to fool us if they get a chance? Shayateen hate us. Plus, if they pretend to leave then it’s more likely that we won’t recite as much anymore. So they can continue to possess us without burning. My sincere advise would be to never listen to the Jinn. They are such creatures of the Unseen that they will make a fool of you and lie to you in ways to that you cant imagine.

So afterwards, the Raaqi recited over me again and the Jinn left again. I felt light. I felt clear. I felt like myself again Alhamdullilah. I was relieved and elated as I thought I was cured! Thank God this is over! I rushed back into the room with a huge smile where my sister and other women sat. I thanked the Raaqi and he smiled in relief. He continued reciting for the others while I watched from the side. Everyone else were still possessed including my sister so they were reacting to the Quran. No one else’s Jinn spoke aloud however. some sisters were quietly growling.

After the Ruqya session my sister and I discussed what had happened as we drove home. We were so relieved that the Jinn had left me which had given my sister great hope of being cured as well. It was lovely to feel so light and free again; I felt no presence of jinn or any anxious feeling. I was elated. We went to a few more Ruqya sessions , mainly for my sister and on the third session- she began to growl and make angry noises. She sounded evil. Instantly I could tell that it wasn’t my sister anymore. Whatever was inside of her screamed ‘stop saying those words, you dont know who I am. I am an ifreet’. At the time I didn’t know what an Ifreet was but from the litle research I found on Ifreets it is said to be a stronger type of jinn/Shaytan. Allah Knows Best.

After an hour of Ruqya, nothing much else progressed. The Raaqi had to return back to London  as he was only visiting our area for a few weeks. We felt greatly disheartened because this affliction seemed overwhelming and beyond us. We were just young girls with no one older or more knowledgeable to help or guide us. The Raaqi said to keep reciting and to look for a more local practitioner and that was that. From a local Islamic bookstore we bought a small Ruqya booklet which we begun to recite every day. We felt  burning sensations in our arms but nothing as significant as the reactions we felt during the Ruqya sessions with the Raaqi. We felt what we were doing wasn’t enough and that we needed a real Raaqi to help us.

This is a very common feeling that I have noticed afflicted patients experience. That our own Ruqya is insufficient and we need someone else to recite for us. Now years later, I personally believe that Self Ruqya can be the most powerful thing- once you believe in yourself and off course your trust in Allah’s Guilding Help.

To be continued.

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When the Jinn first spoke and the False Hope That Followed PT6.

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh,

My sister was flicking through the T.V channels late one night and she left it on a horror movie called the Exorcist. I particularly don’t like horror movies because I believe they romantasize paranormal activity and give it all a ‘Hollywood’ feel; they make unseen personalities appear more frightful than they really are. Regardless, I watched a few minutes of it and I briefly saw a young girl’s face contorted in pain and anger, she was screaming in a raspy manly voice. It looked disgusting. I looked away, almost laughing to myself, thinking things like this cannot be possible. I had a very vague idea about Jinns but knew nothing about true possession or its sickness. Also, a young girl flying upside down across her ceiling? With blood spurting from her mouth? Very unrealistic. Possibly entertaining, but very unrealistic. Upon reflection, I feel that the sensationalisation of ghosts and goblins in horror movies has unneccessarily engraved fear in our hearts about the world of the Unseen. So when we hear of someone being possessed we can instantly jump in fear and compare it to what happens in horror movies.

So going back to the room where my Sister and I were having Ruqya. I am hesitant to write about this as I do know that many people are sceptical of Jinn possession and how it works. However, many evidences prove that Jinn possession is real.

‘Abd-Allah ibn al-Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal said: “I said to my father, ‘There are some people who say that the jinn do not enter the body of the epileptic.’ He said: ‘O my son, they are lying; the jinn could speak through this person.’”

Commenting on this, Ibn Qudamah said: “What he said is well known, because a person may suffer an epileptic seizure and speak in a language that no one understands, and his body may be beaten with blows that would fell a camel, but the epileptic does not feel them at all, and he is also unaware of the words he is saying. The epileptic and others may be dragged about, or the carpet on which he is sitting may be pulled, and utensils may be moved about from place to place, and other things may happen. Anyone who witnesses such a thing will know for sure that the one who is speaking through the person and moving these things is not human.”*1

Likewise I am certain of this fact: during that Ruqya session, a Jinn SPOKE through me. Undeniably it was my voice, but I did not have control over what I was saying (or I had yet to learn how to control my body from being used by the Jinn- I will speak about this later). It was as if being in a semi conscious state while watching yourself speak and behave, without your mind telling it to behave like that. Like a helpless puppet being pulled by strings. I felt drugged and slightly intoxicated. I felt like I was in a semi dreamlike state- except this was my worst nitemare. This voice from me was screaming ‘Stop reciting that surah! Stop it. Stop it. I hate it’. The raqi was reciting Ayatul Kursi at the time. Subhanallah, the power of these ayaat are beyond our comprehension. I wish to tell you all to hold these verses close your heart, like the company of a dear companion on a lonely day. It will get you through the darkest of days.

Because the Jinn inside of me was getting more aggravated, the Raqi told me to step outside of the room. Before I could get up however, I heard one of the Sisters begin to laugh hysterically.

It was room full of possessed people remember? Turns out a Jinn inside of her found all of this funny. Shayateen from the Jinn are quite immature in nature. The Raqi told us both to stand in the hallway, away from the rest of the group. I was still ‘possessed’ at the time so the Jinn inside of me was wimpering and crying like a child being told off. The Raqi shouted at the Jinn and asked why it was possessing my body. At first the Jinn continued to cry and repeatedly said ‘I don’t know, I don’t know’. The Raqi began to recite again until the Jinn said this:

‘ She was fed magic and that is why I am here.’

‘Who fed her?’.

‘Her Mother fed it to her by mixing it in some rice. The bad man said t-to do it’.

Shayateen are known to be liars and we are told not to trust what they say. But still, when I heard these words, I felt my heart crumbling. The Jinn continued on to say a ‘bad man’ made my Mother put something in my rice and that is why it possessed me. It followed the magic to me. The Raqi told the Jinn that it is haram to possess a Muslim and that it should leave. Wimpering and crying the Jinn said it wanted to leave because it was burning. The Raqi then gave the Jinn dawah and reasoned that if this book (the Quran) is harming you then can you not see the power of Allah, the One true God? Where is Iblis? Is he saving you now? And so the Raqi continued reasoning with it until the Jinn agreed to take the shahadah and become Muslim. The Raqi then demanded the Jinn to leave my body and suddenly I felt…a whoosh of air slide through my shoulder, down my left leg and my toes curled. It was a strong pulling feeling like an invisible person pulling and pushing at me- it’s not something easy to describe. Afterwards I felt like I was myself again and I breathed a sigh of relief.

But then I felt my lungs constrict and my throat close and I thought to myself  ‘that sneeky little Jinn hasn’t left at all’.

 

 

*1: https://islamqa.info/en/1819

Important Message to all Readers.

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh,

 

I write this with a very red face. SubhanAllah I had NO idea that so many of you messaged me on here! For some reason I did not receive notifications. Not to mention that my laptop bust on me and I now have to write using a tiny tablet with tiny buttons. I sincerely apologise.

 

Anyway, I will now slowly work through all the messages. I hope you can both forgive me and bare patience with me. We are getting better at patience though right? Lol.

 

I also want to mention that…although I am mostly better Alhamdulilah, I still have a few symptoms and side effects. I have heavy brain fog, some anxiety and depression symptoms and very weak memory. I have to jot down lists of everything just to remember every single day- or I forget the lot and spend the day like a dazed headless chicken. My close ones get angry with me because they think I forget them on purpose or that I can’t be bothered with them. I try to explain but, its hard to explain right? Also not to mention the psychological effects of Sihr which has left me with a fear of people, nervousness, sadness, jumpiness, lack of trust, fear of negative things happening and pessimism. Obviously I do not accept defeat (as you may know me by now- I am like a worm wriggling through dirt) and I persist in improving all of these symptoms. I have overcome one or too with the Help of Allah. We have this one life to make it to Jannah right? And I’ll be dammed if I’m spending it with negativity, darkness and debilitating symptoms. I also don’t see myself surviving on this small keyboard so I will need to invest in a new laptop.

 

I still get Waswas too. Especially when it comes to writing on here and my Facebook page. I become so so blank and in comes the brain fog! Gee I wonder why Shayateen would want to block me from writing on here, where people are striving to beat them through Ruqya and persistence?? So I really felt this block guys and I have been making Dua to Allah to help me with writers block for almost a year now and Alhamdulilah I feel much stronger to write and finish off my story. I have yet to tell you about many weird and wonderful events that have happened along the way (as well as some shocking and disgusting things). I will also try to get the perspective of ‘supporters’ of people suffering from Sihr because they also go through a tough time. It’s hard enough fighting something so unseen but imagine your loved ones suddenly acting differently and yet they appear the same? How confusing that must be.

 

As I end here, can I ask you all to make dua for me please? That I can remain steadfast in helping others through this and other platforms. That I am protected from any forms of blokage and/or evil eye that may harm me. I would be extremely grateful. JazakAllahu khairan.

 

Until next time (sooner than later!),

Wasalamu alaikum.

The Time For Ruqya and what Came After pt5.

Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh,

A week later, it was time for the second Ruqya session which, we were very excited about. It seems strange to find excitement in the midst of a serious situation but, when you are facing a very unknown situation, you are excited at the prospect of answers right?

This time we had a kind close friend accompany my sister and I to the Ruqya session. This was partially because it was dangerous for my Sister to drive as she would randomly have physical reactions in the car. I want to note that each of these sessions was costing us £40 each. Off course, at the time we did not care how much was being spent because we desperately wanted our health back. SubhanAllah, this reminds me of the warning that we are given: to take advantage of the five before five. Your youth before old age, your free time before you are busy, your life before your death, your wealth before poverty and..your health before illness. Gosh, how I wished I had used my time more wisely before I was afflicted! How I wished I hadn’t spent so much time relaxing and having fun and instead, I should have sought knowledge, took care of my parents or at least given in charity.

Is it not ironic how when we are unable to do so, we can think of numerous ideas of ‘could have been’ and ‘should have done’. In reality, this is partially beneficial to lament over wasted time and health BUT it can also be a trick of the Shayateen. How? Because it is said that Hellfire is paved with good intentions. How true is this saying with regards to yourself? Myself? We should exert effort to always think of how can we serve Allah today. What can we do for the community today? How will our Khushu in Salah be today? We should not wait for disaster to strike to then start thinking of reform. Although, reform is better late than never.

Anyway, we reached the address again and sat in the room set up for Ruqya. The Raaqi began reciting and this time I reacted straight away, gasping for air , eyes almost rolling back while my sister was violently kicking and thrashing. I did feel a bit sorry for my friend as this must have been a shock for her but, Alhamdulilah she remained calm.

A reaction. SubhanAllah how do I describe it enough for you to understand, especially if you have not gone through it? And I do not wish it on anyone (apart from Magicians!). It is as if your soul is literally being pulled in all directions. You lose control of your breathing and a near panic attack starts to develop. Your limbs start to shake and jerk without your permission. I used to feel so embarrassed to lose control like this. And yet, internally it is far far worse. You know, I felt dignity in knowing who I was. In knowing I had a certain personality and character, in knowing the familiar things that I used to do and feel. But when you are going through Ruqya, this changes. You suddenly hate listening to the Word of Allah. You are angry. Rude. Arrogant. Insolent. You will laugh at the good things and smile at evil. You feel an evil force, bubbling away between your organs, beneath your skin. This force makes great attempts at taking over you completely. And I would feel this the worst in these Ruqya sessions I had. I could tears in my eyes but I held it back for the embarrassment of crying in front of the Raaqi.

Suddenly, it was then that my Sister started to growl. She was growling the way an angry animal does. I noticed her face was twisted in anger and her eyes fixated on the Raaqi with rage. Sheer blinding rage. The Raaqi just smiled and continued reciting. Subhanallah lol. I will admit, I was terrified of this new development. It really did sound like a noise from a horror film. I hated horror movies. My Sister continued to growl until the end of the session and as soon as the Raaqi stopped reciting, the growling stopped. My Sister sort of sat straighter as if she was waking up from a semi sleep state. The Raaqi said that this was a good development as it meant that the Jinn inside my Sister was getting angrier and should be willing to talk soon. Arghh how was this good?? What if she growled in front of people? What if the Jinn would start to hurt her? But the Raaqi reassured us that things would be ok and we left. I suppose he had other patients to look to.

The next two or three sessions began a similar theme, the reactions getting worse and the Raaqi just reassuring us. He encouraged us to recite more and more at home which we slowly but surely followed. I also noticed that more women were joining us at these Ruqya sessions. I was shocked that so many people were suffering and felt very sad that Sihr seemed prevalent in this day and age. By the end of week two, there was at least 15 sisters filling the room as the Raaqi recited. I was mildly annoyed that our time with the Raaqi was being shared by so many others even though we all had to pay £40 for each session. He did mention that if we can’t afford it then we could pay less.

Then came week three. That Day.

I have been gearing myself up to write about the next part and, till this day, it has been the most significant part of this affliction. I am actually crying as I write this. Not just due to the pain of the memory but…because Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala Has been so Merciful to me. It reduces me to tears when I think of it. You see, it has been around three and half years since I knew I was afflicted and now at present I am at a good stage of recovery. All Praise is due to Allah.

So this Ruqya session began like any other. The room was again full of sisters and the reciting was inducing reactions in a few of them. Some were sat there with lifeless eyes. So the Raaqi was reciting for over an hour now and I could feel something very unusual happening. Have you seen a nature documentary where there is a few seconds of eery silence before a huge Tsunami attacks the land? Well that’s how it felt inside of my head. I could feel something wanting to erupt inside of me. The Raaqi then started reciting Ayatul Kursk which, he has not done before .

My jaw suddenly clicked.  My teeth started grinding. My mouth pulled apart painfully. I started sweating, and my heart rate got faster and faster-

And then, a low monstrous angry sound came out of me.

‘Ssss-ssto’

‘Ssssstop’

The Raaqi recited louder.

And then in a clear low whisper, a voice that did not belong to me, wrenched out of my mouth and spoke.

‘Sssstop. Reading. T-those. Words’.

And that’s when all hell broke loose.

 

To be continued…

When Signs and Symptoms became Apparent (pt.4)

Assalamu Alaikum dear readers,

I know it has been a long time since I have posted and for that I apologise. I went through a difficult journey of my own, including a few complications (some of which, I will discuss here as I continue my story). I also needed to focus on my own healing wholly and at times, reliving the pains of my affliction bought back too many painful feelings. Regardless,  I am ready to finish off what I left off. Maybe after all this time, I have matured enough to present my ideas better as well feeling stronger and more clear-headed.

After allowing myself to cry over my newfound situation, I placed the mango on the table and raised my hands in supplication.’ Ya Allah, You know best what is happening to me and my family. Please, please help us through this difficult time and please make it easy for us to see what is happening to us and how to fight this.’ I was glad that I turned to Allah in dua rather than complaining to people or feeling sorry for myself. But it wasn’t because I was extremely pious but more so because I felt completely helpless and who else can we turn to when all doors seem closed? Also this was not something we could easily talk about to close friends and family anyway. I already felt a twinge of shame of my situation.

Downstairs, I saw my sister sitting quietly in the living room, staring vacantly at her fingers. We decided to tell our younger sisters what happened at the Ruqya session and naturally they were very shocked. They didn’t really understand what consequences this affliction held. Nor did we. Our knowledge of Jinn possession and Sihr only extended to a few videos that we had watched and a few stories that we knew.

So, where do we go from here?

The Raaqi in London had told us to recite Quranic ayaat from a booklet that we had and to drink a spoonful of Sidr Honey every morning (that ended up costing £100!).Honey is known for its medicinal purposes.

The Prophet Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam said: Honey is a remedy for every illness and the Quran is a remedy for all illness of the mind, therefore I recommend to you both remedies, the Quran and honey’ Bukhari.

 

Doing this seemed simple enough. I looked over at my sister and she was visibly upset. I asked what was bothering her and she laughed sadly.

‘I thought..having one Ruqya session would have been enough to cure me. I thought I could finally get my Imaan back and all these horrible feelings would go away. I was so mistaken..’

I empathized with her huge disappointment but I also felt hopeful that getting better wouldn’t take long, in sha Allah. We let things settle and for the next few days continued as normal. We recited a portion of the Quran everyday and made Ruqya water which we drank. Straight away we would burp loudly, our stomachs would inflate and churn. From what I had read on the Internet, this indicated that the magic was ingested. How it was ingested we did not know. I didn’t even understand what this ‘magic’ looked like. Was it a potion created by the Magician and put in our food? Do Magicians really exist in England? And again, is this really happening to us? But Allah Knows best. My sister’s arm would still move up and down by itself- as if it was in pain. Likewise, my arm would move of its own accord and I will say this honestly- each time, it broke my heart a bit more. It was a stark reminder that we really were facing matters of the unseen and we couldn’t explain it away with the possibility of it being a random one-off reaction or with a medical explanation. After all, why did my arm only move when the Quran was being recited? Why did my arm burn when I place the Quran on my arm? Why would our hearts race in anxiety before a Ruqya session? But still, at this time, we were in partial denial. We were far too comfortable with our lives that previously held no worries, full of easy going laughter, fun and ease. But surely the Promise of Allah is always fulfilled.

‘Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tested? But We have surely tested those before them. And Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars’ Surah Al-Ankabut (29)

I am dreaming. I am running between rooms, panting and gasping. I find myself outside. Suddenly I see a man plunging my Mother’s head under a river. I see her struggling frantically beneath the water, to release herself and seeing this, I am screaming and shouting. I run back to the house shouting at my sisters that this man is trying to kill Mum, that he is drowning her. Suddenly a huge page out of the Quran falls from above, from where I don’t know. I say ‘We must do Ruqya with this! We need to save Mum with this!’. We then pour golden water onto this page-and I wake up breathing heavily.

I sit up in my bed and calm myself down. This was not a bad dream but it felt like a sign from Allah. I knew clearly what Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala was telling me. I already knew my Mother was suffering Magic but this truly confirmed it. I also recognized the face of the evil perpetrator…a family member no less. One who was already despised by my sisters and I. SubhanAllah how evil can a person be!

In the morning I told my sister of what I saw and she also agreed that we should get my Mother to drink Ruqya water. So from then on I would hidely recite onto water and give this my Mother to drink in the mornings. But mainly I focused on myself and my sister. My sister was still withdrawn and dejected; her eyes were still glassy and empty. No matter how much Ruqya we were doing daily, we still saw no improvement. Not one bit. When would this end? Why wasn’t the Quran burning the Magic already? Round and round our questions swirled because situations like this truly make you sit up and question everything. Did this happen because of my sins? Am I a bad Muslim? Is Allah punishing me? Will I die from this? Where has my Imaan gone? How will I face people like this?

A week later, we received the good news that the Raaqi from London would be doing Ruqya sessions in a nearby city. Alhamdulillah! We felt that we reacted more with the Raaqi so surely it was more effective than attempting Ruqya ourselves right? My sister quickly booked an appointment for the following week and after a long time we smiled. We were hopeful of a cure now- surely after a few more sessions this would all go away.

The impending Ruqya session came closer and we got our car ready for the one hour journey. On the specified day we drove in silence, both of us nervous and anxious. In fact,the closer we got the more sick I felt. I held the seat belt away from me, feelings its tight hold. Upon arrival we noticed the Raaqi was based in a house again; we knocked and waited. A brother opened the door and we were led to a room that had been set up with large speakers and a mike. The Raaqi sat at the far end and he greeted us with Salaam and inquired how our health and symptoms were now. We told him of our daily Ruqya and how our symptoms were the same regardless of this. He nodded as this was a common thing and then instructed us to seat ourselves and that he would start reciting. I liked our he was to the point, not wanting to waste time.

‘Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Raheem. Alhamdullilahi-Rabbil-Aalameen…’

As the Ruqya session continued, my sister’s arms and legs started writhing violently while I felt my own breathing getting heavy-fast-enclosed. I felt a claw squeezing my heart, making it difficult for me to breathe. I looked over at the Ruqya in pain but he nodded and continued reciting. Gradually I felt a surge of anger erupt inside of me and I almost wanted to growl in rage. What was happening to me? In parallel to this, I also felt confused and disgusted at the anger that I felt towards the recitation of the Quran. But it seemed out of control. I seemed out of control. With this, silent tears ran down my face. I looked over at my sister and felt even further pain because she seemed to be in more distress than me.

After the Ruqya session ended, the Raaqi asked us how we felt and what symptoms we were experiencing. They included: jerky movements, twitching of the face and fingers, pins and needles, heavy breathing, feelings of anger and rage, the urge to wail and cry and feelings of…’being taken over’. The Raaqi explained that these were common symptoms of magic and jinn possession and that we should continue with the Ruqya. He also booked us in for another session in a few days time as we were eager to get this over and done with. I almost laugh at our naivety at the time knowing now that this was purely the beginning of this affliction. A few pins and needles was just the tip of an iceberg.

With heavy hearts and painful limbs, we left the house and began our journey home. I felt extremely sad and disheartened as we still didn’t really know what we were dealing with and more importantly how long it would take to get rid of this problem. Still, we had another Ruqya appointment…who knows what the next session would bring.

 

Assalamu Alaikum.

Assalamu Alaikum everyone,

I know it has been a long time since I have put anything on here. I have my reasons but in sha Allah I will try my best to finish off the account of what happened. I have a small but very important update……Alhamdulillah I am pretty much cured 🙂 All praise is for Allah.  I have the rare reactions here and there but the effects of the Sihr are so weak that they are hardly noticeable! I am sure you are eager to know how I got to this stage and I will elaborate on what proved to be a huge cure for me….it has something to do with Ramadhan.

 

Anyway, for now, keep an eye out for more regular!at posts continuing my story in sha Allah.

The Finishing Race

I have woken up today with no desire to live.

To most people, this just sounds like someone who-either is severely depressed, or someone with very low Iman, or they have been through a traumatic experience etc.

In reality, none of these apply. Although, I may have some psychological trauma as I have been through some adverse situations the past few years. But most of this feeling today I think is from the Sihr and those evil evil Jinn. I have been told that they can literally numb your brain out-by Allah’s permission off course, where the Jinn can cause havoc to your hormonal balance and even the areas in your brain where thoughts and feelings are processed. Similarly, they can cause miscarriages or violent tendencies in someone. May Allah protect us.

Can you imagine. Yesterday, I was fine. I recited Quran. I did my adhkar. I laughed with my family. By the end of the night, I crawled to bed, tears streaming down my face- and I had no idea why except I felt a familiar darkness permeate my head. I woke up today, and closed my eyes back again, feeling like a new born not wanting to enter this horrid world. Many times, this affects how I behave towards others, I can snap or shout quite easily when really all I want to say is ‘help me please, I feel like my insides are breaking’..

I am assuming some of you are going through the same, like me, in this blessed month of Ramadhan. Dare I say it but..I am clinging on to a bare thread of hope. My mind is seeing no end to this and I know that’s really really bad frown emoticon Do you remember when you were a child on Sports Day? Where your small feet were running towards the finishing line, your lungs are heaving, your muscles are screaming in pain and any minute now…you’re thinking ‘I can’t make the finish line. It’s too hard! Any minute now I’m going to fall and collapse’. But then you see your Dad or your Teacher shouting your name, hands in the air. They are shouting ‘You can do it, just a little bit more. Come on!’

And you made the finish line right?

Likewise, I want to give you that last bit of support and in turn remind myself. Come. Let’s race towards the end and finish all this. Keep reciting. Keep reciting until it all ends.

The Messenger of Allah said: ‘Allah laughs at the despair of His slaves because He SOON changes it.’ Sunan ibn Majah

Shukr from the depths of the darkness.

Sujood ash-shukr.

What’s so special about it? We prostrate multiple times during our day so what is so special about prostrating out of thankfulness? Can we ever *thank* and praise Allah enough anyway?

One of the biggest symptoms I have from this Sihr is that I struggle tremendously to be grateful. And I don’t just mean that I am greedy and that I can’t SEE the blessings that I have but it’s that I can’t FEEL the gratefulness of having these blessings. I am numb to the core. It is literally as if I have had an organ removed from my body. Or from my brain more like. I laugh but it’s hollow. Something has been blocked inside of me. And I know from many of you too. Don’t forget that Shayateen can disrupt hormone levels that help us ‘feel’ emotions. They want to dehumanize us. Until we feel as rotten and emotionless as them.

I was advised to prostrate out of Shukr to Allah when I am at my lowest breaking point-what even if I dont feel anything?-yes even then. Especially then.

Think. What did Iblees promise Allah?
‘Because You have sent me astray, surely, I will sit in wait against them (human beings) on Your straight path. Then I will come to them from before them and behind them, from their right and from their left, and You will not find most of them..grateful’” (Quran, Al-Aaraf: 16,17).

In his pathetic grand scheme of things-Ibless wishes to attack us from every direction-be it posession or no posession-until we become ungrateful creatures, falling towards the Hellfire.

Essentially, the shayateen may have been sent to split you from your spouse, or to kill you or to get you to marry your cousin, but ultimately they want to strip away every good thing from you and drive your mind to the brink of insanity until-

Until you almost cry out ‘where is the help of Allah?’. Until you are ungrateful like Iblis and until you totally reject Allah.

That’s why Sujood ash-Shukr is SO important for the afflicted. To show Shaytan that he can come from the left or the right or from behind but we, as the slave of Allah, we will prostrate to our Lord no matter what happens to us!

Oh and in this sujood…the help of your Lord will come. Do it and see.

A simple return.

Assalamu ‘Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

You can’t imagine how many articles I have wrote-and rewrote. Scrapped and then rescrapped. For unknown reasons my writing took a serious hit and..I am unable to write as easily. My mind goes blank, I feel pressure in my chest and I simply cannot transform anything to words. Perhaps it is related to the Sihr (magic) or the Jinn. I keep writing but then my mind gets muddled and I simply cannot post anything. Sounds abnormal slash paranormal right?

But, all I know is that one day I will get past it and who knows? I may get the mental strength to complete this article and post it? In sha Allah.

The pressure is building in my chest already but here goes. Afterall, people like me and people like you are used to fighting the inexplainable. My writing may seem random and sporadic but I really just want to write, before my mind goes all funny again. I hope it’s still a help?

Since the last time I posted, I have improved greatly Alhamdulillah. After months of reciting Surah Baqara, exercising, healthy eating, drinking vinegar (yes I know..), breathing techniques and all sorts- I am at a stage where I barely have reactions and I can live my life almost normally. Almost. There still days-rare days-that I have a violent reaction or two. But, it’s weaker. And then, can you ever be normal after an experience like this?

They say time is a great healer. I say the Owner of time is the Greatest Healer. I almost laugh at myself when I remember the amount of times I lost hope in life. In the 90s, my father bought me a second hand bike after weeks of nagging and whining. But hey, I was eight at the time, it was our job to whine. The bike was sparkly red and green with thick tires and stickers of action heroes on it. It was a secondhand boys bike, but I loved it. Remember the good old days when our parents would go to the local Car Boot Sales and bring home random wonderful things? Lol Anyway, I rode my bike for days on end, so pleased and confident to be the ‘cool’ kid on the street. I relished in the fresh cuts on my knees (I was never very athletic or good with..balance). One day however, I put my bike in the shed and someone stole it during the night, leaving me devastated and confused. At that age, I didn’t really understand the evil doings that happen in our world. How someone can steal a bike. Or how someone can physically hurt you. Cheat you. Deceive you. Or ridicule you.

You are wondering why I am talking about a childhood bike right? Because, there was a point in all our lives that painful things started happening to us. From a very young age perhaps. What we know as tests. As we got older, the tests got harder. As we grew stronger, the tests grew tougher. But some of us crumbled, grew fed up and asked ‘why? And I suppose at some level, that’s understandable. But the ‘why’ should be a reflection on Allah. Not an accusation against Allah.

I admit, I almost crumbled at the beginning of all this and gave up. Who wouldn’t? Considering the culture we live in, the J word would creep us all out right? They were only in scary stories. And then BAM you are told things like ‘yes there is a jinn living inside of you and er..it wants to kill you’. I didn’t even know that was possible! So you are now living your own horror story. So in all of this panic and shock and ignorance, it’s hard to be brave. It’s hard to say ‘yes it’s just a test and we need to get through it’. It’s OK to cry about it. Sometimes, when things were so bad, like a jinn attacking me in my bedroom while I’m all alone, I cried for my Mom. Seriously. Maybe you are wondering this was weakness? Maybe. But you really don’t know how bad it is until you go through it yourself. It can be terrifying. No no. Not because it’s a jinn and arghh they are frightening (because they’re in fact very weak) but because you feel.so.out.of.control.

Isn’t that one of the scariest things in the world? To have no control over your mind, or body, or speech.

You know, we will never properly understand the Mercy of Allah because it is such a divine attribute. But we have experienced His Mercy envelope us when we need it the most haven’t we? When we thought we couldn’t possibly go through anymore, we went through more did we not? When you thought your body was so drained from energy, you still managed to crawl to Salah if needed right? When you felt agony, you still cracked a smile for your family right? Because He is always there in your aid. And through His constant help and guidance, I have managed to get a little bit better each day. And it’s the same with you. Just keep doing what you are doing and one day..you will wake up feeling much better. You will not realize the slow progress but every ayaah that you recite, every drop of Ruqya water and oil that you use, every utterance of adhkar and Dua that you make..IS making you better. Hold on to the rope of hope. It starts with you and finishes with Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala.

 

By the way, I have recently passed my driving and I was gifted a very nice car Alhamdulillah. Beats a bike right? Remember, whatever is taken from you…surely is replaced with something better 🙂

I think I will post this one.

Comforting Reflections: When Allah Claims Your Heart.

It is said that the sin of taking and dealing with Ribaa is one of the worst sins that man can commit. So much so that Allah Says in the Qur’an: ”Those who eat Riba will not stand (on the Day of Resurrection) except like the standing of a person beaten by Shaytan leading him to insanity.’ Ibn `Abbas said, “On the Day of Resurrection, those who consume Ribaa will be resurrected while insane and suffering from seizures.”

So why was this punishment chosen for one of the major sins prohibited by Allah?

Because being ‘tapped’ by the Shaytaan…is by far one of the worst and most painful experiences that a human can go through. That a Muslim can go through. Because we are believers in the Oneness of Allah, our Beautiful Rabb and we are the lovers of obeying Him. So imagine how we feel being possessed by beings inside of us who are the complete opposite to our beliefs? Who love Shirk, disobedience, lewd actions and every sin imaginable; who love to taunt you with your weakest points and scare you with your worst fears. Who wish nothing but grief for you. Who wish for you to be far and far from Allah as far the East is from the West. It makes me cry in sadness. And I know you cry too.

Our Salah is no more with Khushu. Our Duas are tainted by static evil thoughts. Our tears are blocked by the evil hands of devils. And the chambers of our heart are clogged by doubtful thoughts, evil whispers and a numb throb that never leaves. We no longer smile in peace. Or sleep in peace. Or sit in peace. Or even cry in peace.

Except for glimpses. Yes, there are glimpses of how we once were. Of a time before this war began. It could be after reciting much of the Qur’an. Or after crying profusely to Allah. Or it can happen when you stumble upon a verse that hits you as if it were meant only for you.  We get glimpses of peace, away from this turmoil that we call ‘Possession’.

When we realize that….Allah is so close to us.

There was a time when I was entirely consumed by depression and evil whispers of the Jinn. I had almost given up on life- or what life I had because I already felt like a corpse. Numb and emotionless. Overcome by grief, I cried and cried to Allah to just give me a moment of happiness again. I so desperately wished for some relief.

And by the miracle of Dua alone, the next day I woke up as if I was not afflicted at all. I smiled. SubhanAllah I smiled. I laughed with my family. I took great gulps of fresh air, letting tranquility overtake me. My eyes even watered with thankfulness.

And I knew with certainty that this was from Allah.

A reflection…

‘And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me.’

‘Indeed I am near’ – Wallahi, this Ayaah resonates inside of my heart and I hold it close to me in my darkest moments. And here, Allah Addresses Himself as ‘I’ and not ‘We’ which He, Subhana Wata ‘ala only Uses in cases of extreme Love. All of us have experienced something at some point in our life- a sudden inspiration that tells you…Allah is With you. It could be when your Dua is answered. It could be when a friend comforts you exactly when you needed it. Or when a neighbor gives you some food that you were craving right that minute. Or just a light whisper telling to ‘keep going’.

This is clearly from Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala Who Promised to answer every Dua.

A reflection…

He also promised something else:

‘For indeed, with hardship comes ease. Indeed, with hardship comes ease’ (Surah Sharh).

So why do we panic when hardship knocks on our door? Because we forget the Promises of Allah and we end up relying upon creation and nothing seems more greater than our problem and our enemies. Even though we echo ‘AllahuAkbar’ in every Salah! So what does Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala mean by this ayaah? How can hardship and ease be coupled together?

Let me ask you. You are possessed and probably been possessed for years yet you are somehow still alive yes? You somehow find strength to continue. You even fight this affliction even though you are probably overwhelmed by this world of the unseen. I am sure you will also remember times when it didn’t seem so bad. Or when people supported you at the right time. And you somehow found extra Rizq just when things were getting desperate right? And how did you come to know of this affliction? Who directed towards knowing about this affliction is and guiding you towards the path of Shifaa?

Allah did. This is His ease for you in this hardship- hardship was not given except with a ship to sail through its strong waves. The fact that you are reading this page is a direction from Allah to remember His Promises again. To remember His nearness. To remember that which the Shayateen wish for you to forget.

A reflection…

Therefore if the pains of this world tire you do not grieve. For it may be that Allah wishes to hear your voice by way of dua. So pour out your desires in prostration and forget about it and know, that verily Allah does not forget it.” 

Ibn al Qayyim (rahimahullah).

Many times, we deem actions as cruel or a withholding when really they are actions of love by the ones who love us. When our Mother would stop us from going out alone at night, it was because she cared for our safety. Or when our Father pushed us in exams, it was because He wished for us to do succeed. And when a thorn pricked you…it was only so your sins could be forgiven.

So when Allah Subhana Wata ‘ala Wills a hardship to fall upon you, it is never to hurt you. Or to make you fall to the ground. And if you did fall to the ground- it was only so you could find Sujood. Allah Loves us so much that He wishes us to be so close to Him all the time. And sadly, many of us only draw close to Him when we are afflicted by a hardship. How ungrateful we became…

And how else could we be purified from the stains of our sins if not by the washing of our tears? 

Had we really contemplated on how Allah Azza Wajal plans the Best for us, we would panic less and have tawakkul more. We would feel defeated less and feel surety more. We would humbly accept our hardships as a warning from Allah- that we had distant ourselves from Him so He was merely calling us back.

And we should run back. Through patience, through Salah, through steadfastness, through Qur’an, through high hopes and through Dua. Come on, my Brothers and Sisters, run back to Him because our solace only lies in Him. Subhana Wata ‘ala…You are as You have Praised Yourself.

A reflection…

“Had Allah lifted the veil for His slave and shown him how He handles his affairs for him, and how Allah is more keen for the benefit of the slave than His own self, his heart would have melted out of the love for Allah and would have been torn to pieces out of thankfulness to Allah. 

So have heart my afflicted Brothers and Sisters. I feel your pain. I understand your sadness. But we have Allah and He is sufficient for us to carry us through this and He Will heal our hearts. You just need to reflect, remember and reconnect. In sha Allah.

 

I cried while writing this. Not because of the pain that creation gives me. But, because of the Love that my Creator Gives me.